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April 16th, 2009

09:03 pm - So...this is basically where I come to rant, LOL GRAH! I HATE doctors at the moment! They always think they now what is wrong with my feet, and they're so SURE that they don't consider something else until theirs is officially proven wrong (usually by taking lots of time on a new medicine or physical therapy). I mean, really. I've had at LEAST 5 major diagnosis (or whatever the plural is for that word...) for my feet. And they've all been wrong. But every doctor thinks, hey I'M the specialist...I MUST be right. *snort* I'm so cynical and skeptical at this point, I just don't know how to approach a doctor. I just go into see each specialist and tell them what the hell is wrong and they EACH have a different idea. And for some reason, they ALL make them sound like serious problems. Today for instance. I went to see an orthopedic surgeon who specializes in feet and ankles. He had me get MORE x-rays all to say hey, your bone structure looks normal (even though I know for a FACT that my arches have drastically collapsed in the last couple years, but hey, HE'S the doctor). So, he says it's my calf. Apparently my dorsal flexion is off (or something like that). My calves are too tight, so it puts strain on my feet (and causes intense inflammation in my arches). So, now I have to go to physical therapy (AGAIN) three times a week for a month and then he'll see me again. This might not have been a problem if he hadn't followed that statement with "If you don't see improvement in two months come back to see me" *mouth agape in shock* I mean, how do you respond to that. If my feet aren't better in two fucking months on your idea, I'm moving on dude. Obviously, your diagnosis was off if I'm not getting better in two fucking months. It just made it seem like he was saying "hey, I'm right and all...but just in case" It pissed me off. I've had this for far to long to dally for 2 months in physical therapy for something that I MIGHT have. THEN! He goes on to say, if your not feeling better after that we may have to do surgery on your calf (I guess they'd have to make a small cut in the tendon so it stretches more). I'm thinking NO FUCKING WAY am I getting surgery based on this dude's idea. It already seems so far fetched to me. I've been on so many different meds...had so many different things to do that will "make me better" that there's no way I'm resorting to surgery unless he can CONVINCE me that he actually knows what the fuck is wrong. So far...it doesn't look promising *cynical laugh* Done Current Location: Parent's House (*grumble*)) Current Mood: cynical Current Music: "Heaven Help Us" - MCR

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February 24th, 2009

04:19 pm - *rantrantrant* Well, I decided to write this little post to rant...without taking EVERYTHING out on my friends. I can deal with stuff, I just need to vent about it for a bit. Everyone else has their own issues, no need to add mine to the pot anymore than they already have been. So...here's the deal. I have psoriatic arthritis (at 19...not cool), which is not fun at all. It has taken two years just to figure out what the hell was wrong with my feet. I've completely forgotten what it is to go through the day without pain. I've been in a constant state of pain/discomfort for so long... I just don't know what to do anymore. I've been seeing all kinds of doctors, and keep getting my hopes up. Every doctor seems to have an idea of how I can get better, and they've all been wrong. Nothing has helped. The only thing they've been able to do is somewhat ease the pain with painkillers...but I can only stay on those for so long, and it doesn't actually help the root problem at all. I've seen so many specialists, it's pathetic. I had another appointment today to talk about my recent bout of meds...which AGAIN didn't help at all. So, now I'm being sent to two more specialists. Not only are they specialists though, they are the two types of doctors that I most wanted to avoid seeing. I have to see the neurologist. I literally almost started sobbing in the middle of the exam room when the doctor said that. I am fucking TERRIFIED of needles. It's hard for people who don't mind them to understand, but they scare me so much. I completely lose control over my emotions and physical responses (hence the near breakdown in the office). I HATE that. I'm someone who hates it when I lose control, so having that thrown at me, point blank...and just thinking about it. It terrifies me. Then, after that nightmare, I have to go see an orthopedic surgeon. Just incase I need surgery. Are they trying to kill me? I mean, A. more needles B. cutting my foot open?! Not fucking likely. People keep telling me to just buck up and deal with it. To get over my completely irrational fears and suck it up, but I can't do that. I'm not someone who succumbs to the word can't very often, but I know my limits. I've BEEN dealing with it. Every time they make me get a blood test or give me a shot, or put an IV in my...I've done it all. But A neurological test where they are sticking needles in the ONE spot on my body that just CANNOT handle it?!?! No. I won't. It just scares me. When it gets down to it. I might not get better. I'm an enigma. Ha. They used to say that as a good thing. It means you're mysterious, it makes people want to know more about you...Now, it means pain. Fun...I'm an enigma *snort* Fuck Current Location: Somewhere... Current Mood: irritated Current Music: Heaven Help Us - My Chemical Romance

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October 27th, 2008

03:30 am - Semester Off... Today is just one of those getting what I'm thinking out there posts. So, like I said last time, I'm having some problems with self comprehension. Actually, I wouldn't say comprehension, it's more that I just haven't gotten a chance to get to know myself yet. And I'm kind of sick of being used as a doormat. I really am...it's just everyone relies on me for SOMETHING...be it needing someone to talk to needing someone to take care of them. I just can't DO that for everyone. I will admit, there are a few people that I would do that for, no matter what. If they needed me, I would be there, but there are very few who are THAT important to me. It's just that I had a horrible night the other night where I felt completely used/under-appreciated. Some of my sisters came home completely drunk (like, one almost had to go to the hospital), and then I had to help them and make sure they were ok...THEN one refused to stay at home, so I had to go with her. It was just a situation I did NOT need in my current state. I have decided to definitely take the next semester off of college to just think things through and make sure I'm on the track I want to be on to get where I need to be in life. Hopefully, I can figure it out with a little break from everything that is weighing me down. Also, I have some rather serious medical issues that I need to get resolved. It would make more sense to take the time I need to figure things out and make sure I'm near my doctors so that my medical issues can get resolved at the same time. I'm to the point where I'm even thinking of transferring school and starting over completely, both from an academic standpoint and a social one. That way I can start anew. I can introduce myself as the person I want to be as opposed to the person everyone else wants me to be. Also, all the teachers who I have currently dealt with in my major won't know me as the person who missed so much school (due to medical issues, though they didn't know that in detail) Well, that was my rant... Current Location: Pullman Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Chasing Cars

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October 18th, 2008

02:59 am - Tired So...today's is a serious post. I'm rather reluctant to post this, but here I am writing this none the less. My mind and emotions have been so jumbled and confusing lately, that I just don't know what to do any more. I just wish I could understand what I need to do to be happy. That makes me sound depressed and pathetic, but I'm not. I'm just very aware of the fact that I don't feel happy in the way that people normally do. I never truly do anything for myself. I do everything I can for other people as opposed to taking care of myself. I always thought that you should give everything you can to others to feel good. I've come to find that the more you give, the more you lose. I gain very little from being there for those around me and making sure their lives are okay. It's not so much that I do a lot for them, but I'm always there. It gives me a sense of self, but I keep losing bits and pieces along the way. I just feel so tired...of life. Not in the suicidal way or anything, not at all. Just that I can't take not understanding myself. I've just been making other people happy and doing things for them my whole life. So much so that I feel as though I've lost my identity sometimes. I'm a people pleaser by nature, and that's all I really know. It's habit to assimilate myself to every new situation and new group of people. I don't speak opinions because I observe. I observe new groups and wait to see what THEY want. Whenever I actually give my opinions they always get thrown back in my face. I would say there are only 4-5 people who I feel completely comfortable around, even though by nature I'm an outgoing, friendly person. I have no problem meeting new people, but I have problems being truly honest with them. I don't mean I constantly lie (though I have been known to do that too) it's just that I can't say I'm honest because I don't know how to act like myself in front of other people anymore. I'm a separate person for different aspects of my life, and I don't know how to handle that. Having so many identities and subconscious uncertainties is so confusing. It's like I no longer have control over my life and my sense of self... And I'm tired... Current Location: Pullman Current Mood: confused Current Music: What Hurts The Most (Cascada)

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April 19th, 2008

12:30 am - I'm Pissed OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!! I'm a tad pissed right now! Y'all probably don't really care all that much both that I'm pissed and what it is that I'm pissed about. I will tell you anyway... So a good friend of mine just had a really hard time. Her boyfriend is being the biggest asshole ever! She was in the room with me when she called him, and I heard their whole conversation. He was not listening and he was threatening her! Dear lord, I cannot believe that he did that! I'm not at all upset about the fact that I'm involved in this now...just that he dared to treat her that way. I just can't understand how someone can treat someone as amazing as this friend of mine so horribly. She's an amazing person, and she always treats everyone with respect, going out of her way to make someone feel appreciated. The fact that someone isn't appreciating her the way she deserves after everything she gives makes me so mad I could scream. She was so upset after calling him. She had to walk away and then call me to ask if she was in the wrong...Someone made her feel that she was the one who fucked up when all she did was care. Whew...I'm done, and none of that was about me. I just need to be calm because she might need me, and I need to be focused on what she needs, not what I need to say about her asshole of a boyfriend. Thanks for listening...or reading. Current Location: Dorm Current Mood: pissed off Tags: rant

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March 8th, 2008

02:04 pm - I Hate Crutches!!! I HATE THESE CRUTCHES! I'm so not getting the hang of them. That's probably since I only use them when my parents are here...heh. I just don't like them at all. At least I have my Dr. Pepper :) I also just found out that I have to get a bone xray, but I really don't want to because my mom just said I have to get a shot in my foot. I'm terrified of needles!!!! I don't want a shot, especially not in my foot, that's like the worst possible scenario...ugg Current Location: Home Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: Stand In The Rain

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March 7th, 2008

11:09 pm - Home I'm home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited! Sadly, I'm also on crutches, which is not so fun. Ugg, not looking forward to walking (and/or not walking) around like this all week long. I just hope I won't have to use these for long. I guess the new theory on my foot problem is that I have a stress fracture. Hopefully I don't, but we'll see. I have sooooo many doctor's appointments over the next couple days. Maybe we'll actually figure out what's wrong soon. Current Location: Home Current Mood: busy Current Music: Chouwa Oto ~with reflection~

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March 5th, 2008

11:52 am - Randomness Goodness, I just suck at finding stuff via the internet. I've been looking for the music for Ai No Kusabi for the better part of the day, but whenever I find it, it doesn't have the song that I wanted the music for. Can you say frustrating? Well, on a better note, I just had a really good sandwich for lunch, yum. Off to study for midterms, ugg...I'm so ready for break. Current Location: School Current Mood: irritated Current Music: Famous Last Words Tags: random

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March 4th, 2008

10:28 am - College Life... Ok...so I've never really used this before, so I'm gonna start now. As is stated in my bio, I'm a college student, hence the upcoming rant). College can be a bitch. Sure, it's great to experience independence and all that jazz, but when you mess up it's really serious. For instance, I have a really bad foot problem which prevented me from going to a couple of my classes. Now I'm probably going to have to be a part time student since I don't have enough credits for this semester. Doesn't that sound like fun? In retrospect, it was my decision to not further hurt my foot that got me in this mess. Ah well, I just wanted to get that off my chest since I don't want to whine about it to everyone I know. I've just told some friends, but I don't want to rant about it constantly, and since it's taking up most of my thoughts, that's what would happen. So yea, my first post is rather sad/pathetically ranty. Next time, I will have happy things to post :) Current Location: School Current Mood: stressed Current Music: Whispers in the Dark Tags: college

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